Screen Name : MsMatty35
Title : The Letter
Rating : PG
Type : Short Fic
Genre : Angst, Drama, Humor
Main Character(s) : Harry Potter
Brief Summary : After the Events in OotP Harry Writes a Letter.
*** Heavy OotP Spoilers so do not read if you have not finished that book.
He had moved the table by the window many days ago. Quill and parchment lay neatly on top of it, waiting for him to begin, again. He liked looking at the stars and the moon when he began his letter, the letter that he could never finish. The words were there and they seemed just as hard to put down on paper as they were to voice out loud. Running a hand through his untidy black hair and readjusting his spectacles he sighed and with a determined frown sat on his chair. Tonight would be the night he would write the letter and get it done.
Dipping the quill in ink he positioned it above the parchment, suspended for a few moments. He wondered if a part of him was just waiting for the words to magically appear on the parchment. Rolling his eyes he set back the quill in the ink bottle. “Now would be a good time to have Rita Skeeter’s Quill & Parchment.” Indeed, as the woman’s thoughts poured from her mind to her quill and onto her parchment. A bit annoyed with himself he pushed back from the desk and looked around his less than neat room. Letters upon letters from his friends and the people that cared for him were all over the place. Sometimes, when he got a letter he didn’t read it right away, waited a couple of days even, and then opened it. He felt a bit guilty because he didn’t want them to overly worry about him.
However, after the first few letters he had received at the beginning of the summer break from his friends he had grown wary of any correspondence from them. They kept asking him if he was ok. They continued wanting to talk about what happened. They continued wanting to know how he felt. Strangely enough Lupin never asked. His former teacher wrote to him every three days or so, to keep him informed about the goings on. His letters were more like idle chit chat, and for that he was grateful, as he knew that if anyone would understand his loss it would be him. After all they had been best friends, Sirius and him, like brothers and now he had lost him. He wondered how he would feel if he lost Ron, or Hermione. Shaking his head he got up, it was enough with whom he had lost, he really didn’t need to picture anyone else he loved dying.
His green eyes scanned the room again. Hedwig’s cage was empty as he had sent her off with his own letters to Ron, Hermione, and Lupin. He had also written to Ginny this time as she had surprised him by writing to him. She had amused him with a story about the Twins plans for the grand opening of their joke shop and Mrs. Weasley’s tantrum over it. Instinctively he wondered if she purposely wrote the lighthearted letter knowing that everyone else might be trying too hard to act normal with him. It didn’t matter why she did it though, he was just glad that she did. He understood that talking about his feelings wasn’t the easiest thing for him, and what he was going through at the moment threatened to consume him.
Which is why he wanted to write the letter, but he could never finish it. Hell, he could hardly even begin it. “Pull yourself together. It’s a bloody letter now sit down and write it for God’s sake!” He took a mental note of the fact that he was sure that he was sounding quite mad. Sitting down again he grabbed the quill once more and positioned it above the parchment. At that moment the clouds parted and the moonlight shone perfectly, its light swam in through the opened window and bathed his parchment. He felt a painful constriction of his heart, as if someone had grabbed it and tightly squeezed. Looking up he noticed the stars, they too seemed to be shinning brightly. Taking one last deep breath and closing his eyes he began to write ...
Where do I begin? I guess by saying that I had been meaning to write long before now. However every time I started this letter I really couldn’t get past the ‘Dear Sirius’ part. Pathetic isn’t it? Although I suppose it is pathetic that I am writing to you at all. I mean, you will never read this letter or know of its existence. Or maybe you will know, perhaps its like people say. Those we love never really leave us, they are always with us and watching over us. I wish that these words were of some comfort to me but they are not. Instead they make me angry because you should still be here, with me.
Does that make me selfish? I didn’t get this upset over Cedric. Sure I was sad and shocked over his death, I would’ve done anything I could have to bring him back. But I find that his loss just did not prepare me to lose you. Cedric was a friend and not a close one at that. I liked him and would never have wished any harm had come to him. But with you, I still find it hard to accept that you are gone. It’s the reason I am writing this letter. It is as if in my mind I think that by writing this there is some hope that you will receive it and read it, thus bringing you back to me.
Aren’t I too old to be thinking like this? There are so many things I want to tell you. So many things that we should have talked about and didn’t. You see, I love my friends and the people around me. Through eleven years of my life I really didn’t think that I would have friends or feel a part of anything special. Then Hagrid came into my life and here I am. I have Ron and Hermione, the Weasley’s, Lupin, Moody, Hagrid, Professor McGonagall, and although I am still mad at him, Dumbledore. They all love or care about me, I know that now.
However none of them fill that space in my heart that you left. You were the first person in my life that knew me as ‘just’ Harry. I was not The-Boy-Who-Lived to you. I was your Best Friend’s son, your Godson and you loved me for me at first, when you looked at me, even for the first time you didn’t see my scar first and then me. All my friends now see me too but it wasn’t like that at the beginning. I wish I could have told you before you left that I loved you. I still love you, my parents couldn’t of chosen a better Godfather for me than you. I am so sorry that you were robbed of so many years of your life.
I am so sorry that you had to be kept inside that awful house, locked away just because the bloody Ministry refused to believe Dumbledore. But most of all I am sorry that my actions led to your death. Now I know that you are probably frowning as you read this, but you know it’s true. I should have listened to Hermione, I should have at least remembered that Snape was in the Order and gone to him. I should have opened your Christmas present. Why didn’t you tell me what it was? I was so scared for you, scared that the Ministry would take you away from me, give you to the Dementors and then that I would lose you forever. That is why I didn’t open the gift, I didn’t want to put you in danger and yet that’s exactly what I ended up doing anyway.
I don’t fully understand what that cursed veil is all about, I was too upset at Dumbledore to ask more questions. I just hope that wherever you are that you are not in any pain and that you are at peace and happy. Actually, no, I wish that wherever you are that you are not so happy because I want you to miss me. Do you understand? I want you to miss me so much, to be so angry that you’d fight your way back to be here with me! I had just found you, we were getting so close. You were beginning to be like a father to me, you were my family, my real family. Now I am alone again.
....I know .. Not alone, I do have a family, my friends. That’s what you would say to me right now isn’t it? You are right, I have them and I am grateful because I love them. However after what Dumbledore told me about the prophecy I have to wonder how much longer I will be alive. I will have to kill or be killed. As much as I hate and loath him Sirius It never crossed my mind that it would be up to me to have to stop him. I always figured that it would be Dumbledore and that he was just obsessed with me because he couldn’t kill me. So what am I to do Sirius? How can I talk to Ron and Hermione about this? I don’t want to talk to Dumbledore, he should have told me all of this a long time ago.
Don’t worry about me though, I know that I sound pathetic but I just miss writing to you. I wish that I could hug you one last time.
It was done. He had written it. Harry stared down at the letter for long moments, reading it and re-reading it. He blinked when he noticed smudges on parts of it. He was surprised to note that they came from his tears. “I will be strong for you Sirius, and for my Mum and Dad. I will stop him, no matter what!”