Screen Name: Jadekirk007
Title: Switching Places
Type: Short Fic
Main Character: Severus Snape
Brief Summary: Response to the Magical Menagerie Friday 13th Fanfic challenge. A prank causes Jade Kirk and Severus Snape to switch bodies. They realise they are more alike than they originally thought.
Spoilers: SS/PS CoS PoA GoF OoTP
“It’s official! The world hates me……” Jade muttered as she looked into the full length mirror, glaring at the reflection of Severus Snape that was glaring back at her.
It’s hard to believe a slight accident could cause this much damage. One minute she was walking along the corridor, looking forward to DADA, which she had after potions, the next minute, she was lying spread-eagled over her own body. Dumbledore was no help, he just told them to get used to it and to keep it a secret until they‘ve changed back.
Jade looked down at her… no…his new body and opened his trousers then looked up again. “No Jade! You are not going to look at your potions teacher’s body,” she muttered to herself, while closely examining himself in the mirror. “Oh sod that! I wonder what he looks like naked! Jade, you’re disgusting! If Remus hadn’t come along… He expects me to teach potions… Hello, I’m crap at potions. Why couldn’t I have switched with Remus?” Jade stopped in her tirade as an evil smile spread over her face. “Actually, it serves Snape right… I’m going to make him suffer. I hope he gets my cramps. I get to be a mega-bitch and no one cares… I can give out detentions. Cho is going to get it…”
Jade started dancing around her room, well her room for the moment, stopping only when an amused voice said. “You know, Jade, I’ve never seen Severus dance like that before…”
Jade whirled around and glared at Remus, who had been watching her, with a wide grin on his face. “Shove it, Remus!” She snapped at him, then startled at the sound of her now deeper voice.
Remus looked taken aback. “Aren’t you really getting into the Snape character?”
“Bite me, Remus.”
A second voice spoke. “Miss Kirk, I’d rather he didn’t, especially since it’s MY body, he would be biting…” Jade whirled around and saw herself standing in the doorway wearing a scowl on her face. "I have no desire to become a werewolf. Being in the body of a hormonal teenage vampire is bad enough."
Jade stormed over to her body and stood in front of him… no… her with her hands on her hips. “What happened?” She asked of her body. ‘Do I really sound that whiny?’ She thought to herself. ‘I never realised that I was that short…’
“A friend of Lupin’s decided to play a prank on me by sending me an owl charmed to switch my body with the next person I touch…” Severus explained, watching as Jade scowled. “It was timed for this lesson…”
“Who was it? I’m going to kill them!” Jade raged.
Remus seemed to be weighing his words before he said them. “I can’t say but unfortunately that friend is dead…”
“Can’t we dig them up, revive them and kill them again?” Jade asked, pacing the room.
Severus said, watching Jade pace. “Miss Kirk, would you at least try to walk like I do?”
Remus burst out laughing as he noticed how Jade was walking. “That looks SO funny, Severus, you’re walking like a girl.”
“Sorry Professor,” Jade said as she stopped pacing and stood in front of him. “I think you should also practice walking and standing like me.” Severus tried to walk like Jade and tripped over his feet and landed at Jade’s feet. “That was graceful,” Jade noted sarcastically.
“Silence, Miss Kirk,” Severus scolded as he stood up. “You do realise that you have to teach potions now…”
“You had to remind me, didn’t you?”
“It’s also a full moon in two days.” Remus pointed out as he sat down on a dark green settee.
“Damn… That means Wolfsbane potion.”
I think Severus better make it, I don’t want to be poisoned.”
Jade pouted, a really strange sight on Severus’ face, and said. “That’s not fair. I’ve only exploded a total of four caldrons this year.”
“Miss Kirk, don’t make that face.” Severus scolded, with a scowl, ignoring Remus‘ snorts of laughter. Jade put her hands on her hips and adopted her normal stance. “Stand like I would. Remember you‘re meant to be me.”
Jade snorted, as she tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear. “Like I want to be you.”
Jade walked over to the settee and sat down next to Remus and crossed her legs in an unmistakably feminine way. “Sorry Professor. I’ll try and be you. How hard can it be?”
Severus sat down, looking like a guy with his legs spread wide, opposite Jade and Remus. “As we are in each other’s bodies I think we should refer to each other by our first names, at least for now.”
“Okay!” Jade said.
“How long does it last?” Remus asked.
“The letter said about two hours…” Severus pointed out.
“Good, then Remus can get his potion… without fear of being poisoned.” Jade said, wearing a slight scowl. “Do I really have to teach potions?”
“Bugger!” Jade swore. She looked at Remus, who was making no attempt to hide his amusement. “You’re enjoying this! I have half a mind to go and switch you with Erin and see how you like it.” Remus wore a look of horror on his face. Erin was notorious for having a really foul mouth and the thought of Remus swearing his head off at the top of his voice caused Jade to break out laughing.
Severus snorted with laughter, as well. “It seems Lupin doesn’t want to be your sister. I’m sure he would look SO pretty in pink.”
Remus coloured. “Shut up Severus.”
Severus scowled. “Come on, we have lessons to go to. Miss Kirk, remember you’re me for the moment.”
Remus walked off to his classroom. Before he left, he added a cheery ‘good luck’ and had added under his breath, ‘They’re going to need it, given Jade’s track record with potions’.
“Okay, I have to be one with the Potions’ Master. I wear the Potions’ Master. I am the Potions’ Master.” Jade chanted as she walked to the potions class, earning a few strange looks from passing students.
“What are you going on about?” Severus snapped.
Jade rolled her eyes. “You’re no fun. That was a movie reference, just so you‘d know.”
“Please no references…At least not in my body.” Severus said, making Jade’s body walk like she was a guy.
“Hey! You better remember you’re me or else I’m putting you in PINK!” Jade threatened. She stopped, causing Severus to bang into her, and shuddered as the mental image hit her. “Ew! I think I won’t put you in pink because that’s not one of my favourite colours… Tell me, did you just go to a very scary visual place?”
Severus shuddered. “Indeed.”
“Watch out for Pansy, she’s a mega bitch!”
“I believe I can handle one girl,”
“So you say. Pansy should just choke on Johnny Depp’s cutlass,” Jade slammed her hand into her forehead. “I do mean, the nice sharp metal cutlass.”
“Who’s Johnny Depp?”
“Oh he’s like this majorly hot muggle actor. He played a pirate in…” Jade paused as she realised that they were outside the potions classroom. She pushed Severus into the classroom first and hissed in Severus’ ear. “Do anything bad in my body and I will make your body kiss Harry…”
“Harry? Do you mean Potter?” Severus asked in amazement. “You had better not kiss him!” He said, as she swept into the classroom and sat next to the guy in question and grunted in response to Harry’s greeting .
Jade bent her head and muttered in Severus‘ ear. “Yes, now play nicely with him.” She stood up and, seeing the glare on Harry’s face, grinned at him. Severus scowled.
Severus turned to Harry and said loudly in the sweetest tone ever. “I’m sorry Harry. I guess I’m having that time of the month thingy.”
“It’s okay,” Harry muttered. His face turned green. “Sheesh! I really didn’t need to hear that, you know.”
Ron, behind Harry, winced and, said. “Oh no.” Hermione hit him on the back of the head. "Ow!"
Jade scowled and said, “Quiet,” she turned to write on the board the ingredients and method of brewing a simple healing potion. “Now, Miss Kirk, you mustn’t forget to take your potion, although I hear the main ingredient works better if it comes from the source.” Jade inwardly grinned. ‘Ha! Take that!’ She thought as she got a bit of sadistic pleasure from his squirming. “Perhaps you and Potter would like to brew that potion instead so you get some practice. I trust you know the recipe? And don‘t mess it up.” Jade added as an afterthought.
Severus scowled, as he knew exactly which ingredient she was referring to and bowed his head after glaring at her. He realised that Jade had asked him a question and nodded his head. “I won’t.”
Pansy let out a loud snigger and Jade turned to her, forgetting that she was in Severus’ body for a minute. “Parkinson, you really put the itch in bitch,” she said, irritably. The body switch and her bad mood made Severus’ voice sound even more menacing. The class gasped in shock. Pansy looked really upset, like Jade had hurt her feelings. ‘What feelings?” Jade thought. ‘That slapper wouldn’t know feelings if it came up and bit her in the bum.’ The class sat there, looking at her in amazement. “What are you waiting for? Me to crack a whip?” Jade snapped. “GET TO WORK!” The class jumped as if she had indeed cracked a whip.
Harry leaned into Severus as they went to get the ingredients and whispered. “I thought we were going to get yelled at.” Severus looked at him in amazement. Harry rolled his eyes and clarified. “I guess we have to pretend we hate each other as usual…”
“I guess so.” Severus sighed. “Pass me that jar there.” Severus ordered. Harry did as he asked but looked at the label and nearly dropped the jar. “Kindly do not drop it.”
“B-b-but that’s… Ew!” Harry spluttered. “How on Earth did you get that?”
“From the source…”
“The source? You’d need a werewolf and…Oh!” Harry said as he realised something. “Ew! Gross!”
Severus rolled his eyes as he picked the ingredients off the shelf. “Honestly Potter, you face the Dark Lord without blinking, but you see a potion’s ingredient and you act like a schoolgirl that has just had her pigtails pulled.” Harry snorted with laughter at the mental image. Severus rolled his eyes and walked out of the supply cupboard and put the jars down on the table. Harry followed and sat down. “Potter you can chop and I will brew it.” Severus ordered.
“What are we brewing?” Harry asked, as he chopped the shrivelfig.
“A potion to stop my... Dark side coming out.”
“Ah, I see.”
Jade began her patrol of the classroom, managing to swoop around like she’s been doing it all her life. She turned suddenly when she heard Harry and Severus arguing and got caught in her robes and fell into the desk, banging into Hermione’s desk and nearly knocking her cauldron over. Hermione made a quick grab for the cauldron and stopped it falling. “Damn!” Jade swore as she rubbed her stomach, where it had made contact with the desk. She stood up and glared at the desk. “Five points off Gryffindor…”
“For what?” Ron argued.
“For having a desk with sharp corners. Another five points for arguing with a professor.” Jade said. ’A wannabe professor,” she added silently. The Gryffindors groaned. The Slytherins sniggered as usual. “Quiet. Any more noise and I will be deducting a large amount of points from BOTH houses.” The classroom was silent.
“That’s not fair!” Ron argued, ignoring Hermione’s hiss of ‘Shut up Ron.’, which earned him a glare and more points being taken off.
Harry, who had been quiet up until now, said from behind Jade. “It’s not Hermione’s fault.”
Jade paused and turned to look at Harry, who glared defiantly at her. “Mr Potter, don’t try my patience.” She leaned in close to Harry and muttered. “For God’s sake, get a grip on yourself.” She straightened and looked at Harry then walked away after winking at Harry.
“What was that?” Harry muttered to himself. Severus gave him a look but didn’t answer, as he was busy trying to brew the potion correctly.
After a while Severus announced that the potion was finished and brought a vial up to his desk after pouring the rest of the cauldron’s contents into clean jars. Harry and him both carried the jars up to the desk and put them gently on it. Jade looked up and said in a normal voice. “Thank you Miss Kirk,” she added in a low voice, a hint of mischief in her voice. “Don’t forget to drink it. Why not take it now? I need to make sure it works.”
Severus glared at her and unscrewed one of the jars, measured out the right dose, and screwing his face up in disgust, drank the potion. “Urgh!” He groaned, ignoring Harry‘s inquisitive look.
“How does it taste?” Jade asked, even though she knew.
“Disgusting!” Severus managed.
“Good.” Jade said. “DISMISSED!” She ordered, nearly laughing as the students hurried to obey her command. “Miss Kirk, stay behind.”
Harry shot Severus a sympathetic look as he packed up his things.
“You evil… You planned to make me take it so you wouldn’t have to…” Severus spat in a low voice once all the students had gone.
“You know me too well,” Jade said with a smirk. “It really was a pity you didn’t switch with Remus,” she said. “That way, you could see how gross that potion is…”
“If you don’t mind. I have to get to lessons with your darling werewolf.”
“Go!” Jade ordered. “Give Remus a kiss from me.”
“I will not kiss that WEREWOLF!” Severus said, with disgust evident on his face, frowning when Jade burst out laughing. “Just you wait until you get back in your own body. I will give you detention until you leave here.”
“Severus, will you lighten up?” Jade said still laughing and enjoying the sounds she was producing. “I was joking.”
“By the way, what did Potter mean when he said ‘I guess we have to pretend we hate each other as usual’? Is there something going on between you two?”
Jade stopped laughing. “Damn. You weren’t supposed to find out. Harry and I are just friends. If you even think about using that information to hurt him, I will hunt you down and hurt you, professor or not.”
“Good. Now go. Remus is waiting.” Jade ordered. She watched as Severus left and sighed as the next class walked in. “Great,” she muttered as she looked at the desk. She looked up and saw who had just walked in. “Oh good ,” she said, an evil smirk on her face. “Cho Chang and I are going to have so much fun together. Fun for me, not for her.”