Title : Unforgiven
Rating : Pg 13
Genre : Angst
Character(s) : Severus Snape,Lily Potter, Lucius Malfoy, Voldermort
Summary : What Happens when our actions have concequences that we can't live with?
Author's Notes : This was original written sometime in 2004 before the release of HBP but it does have, now looking back on it, some HBP Spoilers so beware.
I stood there frozen in place, it was as if I had been petrified, my limbs refused to obey me. The bitterly cold wind lapped at my face so harshly that it was almost painful. I stared around transfixed, hoping against everything that they would get to them in time, that they would stop him. After all, it was my fault that he was here, that she was in danger.
~*~ Flashback ~*~
“Are you sure? Was that all of it?” He hissed.
“Yes My Lord, It was all I could hear before the Innkeeper made me leave. Forgive me that I could not hear all of it for you, do as you wish.” I said and lowered my head in submission.
“Not tonight, tonight you have served me well. I know of two families who recently had a child, a son.” He narrowed his snakelike eyes in thought.
“My lord, both boys were born on the same night, how would you know which one it is?” Asked Lucius.
“I know who it is and I will personally deal with the boy and his parents. However, just to make sure, kill the others. The Longbottoms, isn’t that right?” He said with a terrible smile tugging at his thin lips.
Lucius nodded as Bella answered, “I will see to it myself, My Lord, that they and their brat are dealt with.”
“Good, good. I must plan about the others. Leave me now, you are all dismissed.”
Stopping Lucius, by grabbing him by the forearm, I asked, “Who is it that he thinks is the boy in the prophecy?” Lucius’s gray eyes bore into mine as he contemplated me for a long moment, “Don’t you remember who else beside the Longbottom boy was born at the end of July? Or was your ego so bruised when she chose him over you that you’ve blocked her so completely as to not know that she had a son? Or perhaps the real truth is that you DO know and that‘s what this is all about my friend.”
I was sure that all color drained from my face, I certainly felt lightheaded and sick to my stomach. Lucius raised an eyebrow but said nothing, with a look that I couldn’t place he turned from me. He never understood my feelings for her, even though he was aware of them and keep them to himself. Oh, he understood that she was beautiful and why I would be physically attracted to her but not why I would love her. Her, a mudblood, unpure, tainted, beneath me..... He never understood why I didn’t hate her, even after she rejected me, rejected my love. He never understood it because he, himself, had never let anyone like her inside his heart. She was everything good that I wasn’t, she made me want to be better. I even told that her that I would turn away from the darkness for her but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want me. At least not in that way. That hurt me even more. To know that she truly cared about me, about what happened to me and about my happiness but didn’t love me like I loved her. If she hated me, if I disgusted her, or annoyed her it would have been so much better. So much easier to deal with because those are all feelings that I knew how to manage.
Lily Evans .... No, Lily Potter now. Her son, Harry was the one. The Dark Lord believes that he’s the one in the prophecy. Why didn’t I think? I had been trying so hard to ignore her existence that I had forgotten that she had a son. That’s not completely true is it? Maybe I didn’t forget, maybe a part of me knew that it would be her son, maybe a part of me wanted to punish her for not wanting me, maybe I wanted to be the only one in control, the one that she would beg for help in the end... Just like Lucius said.
My God .... “What have I done?”
~*~End of Flashback~*~
Still nothing. No sounds except the rustling of leaves and the wind. Let them get here before him, please. Don’t let turning myself in to Dumbledore be for nothing.
Not for nothing, No. I can’t do this anymore, I knew I couldn’t do this a long time ago. I wanted out but didn’t want to reach out for help, even though Dumbledore had told me long ago that if I wanted his help he would never turn me away. I think it was pride that kept me from going to him. Pride that kept me from admitting that I had failed myself. Pride, because I didn’t want to let him see what I had become. I didn’t want her to see it.
So I warned Dumbledore, and he warned them. It’s been almost a year now of this cat and mouse game. Of playing this role of a double spy for both sides. Of feeding him with misinformation about the Order’s comings and goings, about the Potters. To my increased horror he had decided to kill not only the boy but both of his parents. A part of me knew that’s what he would do all along, didn’t It? Perhaps I was counting on asking the Dark Lord to leave her to me, as my reward for telling him about the Prophecy. Was that really my secret hope? For Lily to be left with nothing and have no one to turn to but me?
NO! I didn’t, I don’t want that. I don’t care about James but that child is her son. If he dies it will kill her even if he doesn’t kill her. Then she will hate me. She will hate me for killing her son. But that doesn’t matter now does it? He is planning on killing them all. Where is everyone? I know that the Potters live here but where? I should be happy that I can’t see their house, It means that they are still safe.
But he knows where they are. It’s why I am here, and I found out almost by mistake. I overheard Lucius and Narcissa talking about it, and rushed to tell Dumbledore.
A scream pierced my musings and then I saw it. Green lights, a house that was not there before, then darkness, more green lights, then darkness again.... MOVE my mind screamed at me! I couldn’t move, my body would not, I just could not believe that he had found them and was killing her...Green lights again but then there was an explosion and the house crumbled ... it’s over ... She’s dead .. what happened? Where is the Dark Lord? Why isn’t the Dark Mark in the sky? There’s Hagrid .... Why is he here? He’s holding something, it’s a child ... Her child. I hadn’t noticed that I was indeed moving again, I had concealed myself with a disillusionment charm and was standing extremely close to Hagrid and the screaming child. The boy’s eyes were the greenest I’ve ever seen, except for his mother’s, and he had a awful bloody cut on his forehead. I stopped paying attention to them, however, I had to find her.
I searched through the rubble, careful not to make much noise, less I be noticed. I saw James, and moved on. I didn’t want to deal with his death nor what it meant, if anything, to me. Upstairs, or what was left of it, I found her. She looked peaceful. Like an angel. I wanted to touch her but I dared not. I didn’t have the right.
“Severus.... Severus wait.” She yelled.
Turning around, “What? What else do you want to say to me? Haven’t you said enough?” I spat.
“Don’t do this! I am being honest. You knew how I felt. I am married to James-” I cut her off.
“Yes, but I was prideful and stubborn, and didn’t fight for you when we were at school. You didn’t even like James then. If I had fought for you then we would be together.”
“Maybe, but you can’t go back and undo the past Severus... I love Ja..”
“..No, you are not listening to me. I am here now, I want you. I want to be with you. I will leave this. Do you hear me? I will leave all of this for you. I will help the Order bring them all down, for you. If you will be with me, I can do anything.”
“If you leave all the darkness that surrounds you behind it can’t be for me Severus. It has to be because you want to leave it. Because you believe it’s wrong and are ready to make amends. You cannot do it for me. I won’t leave James for you Severus. I am married and I love him. You are important to me but you and I were never more than just friends...”
“That’s a lie, we could have been more, you know that you felt more at one time ...”
“Maybe, but that was a long time ago and you didn’t let it turn into anything special ... “
“Why won’t you leave him? Because he’s the great love of your life? I can’t believe that, you hated him..”
“I never hated him, he annoyed me because he was a bully and an immature prat, but he changed. I wouldn’t of married him if he hadn’t, and if I didn’t love him. We are having a baby, we’re a family..”
“You’re pregnant?” I said, taking a step away from her. It was as if a door had closed. As if in my mind I felt that before I had a chance but now with a child in the way, his child, that was it. How could I compete with that? What could I possibly offer her?
“Goodbye Lily.” Then I fled, because that’s what I did, I couldn‘t look at her. I never looked back...
~*~End of Flashback~*~
As I looked down on her I knelt down and allowed myself to lightly touch her hair. I quickly removed my hand, I knew that I had no right being here with her, not now, not ever. I did this, I killed her. I robbed her of her life and her family. I left her son an orphan.
“I am sorry.” I whispered, but my words were carried away by the wind. I was left there alone with her dead body, Unforgiven.